What Modesto's Crystal Ball Saw. - 2011

  

Aries:  You are known to be bold, fearless, rebellious and pioneering. And this was independently ascertained out by decidedly disregarding the fact that you are planning on putting up a stripshow at the nearby Karoke joint within next 15 days. This New Year will pan out exactly like a Japanese commercial – No one will get squats what is being discussed about and then suddenly a girl with pigtails will end up getting slapped.  You will try to act non-chalant after walking through a plate glass window, but honestly, such stuff begins to get recognized after three earlier pretty loud editions. The characteristic downhillness of your love life will drive you an inch closer to Transvestism by the day. And just to break this out to you – Your Zodiac sign is the “Ram” and in tropical astrology, this sign is no longer even aligned with the constellation as a result of the precession of the equinoxes.  Bummer.

Taurus: You are known to be patient, practical, serious and solemn. And those are just some fancy words I came up with to avoid putting on paper the phrase – “A Plodding Bore of a Biped.” Taurus marked the point of vernal equinox in the Chalcolithic and the Early Bronze Age (the "Age of Taurus"), from about 4000 BCE to 1700 BCE and that’s perhaps the only interesting sketch attached to your persona. You will be the reason why Deodorant companies will be seen posting record high half-yearly revenue figures. Don’t give in to those new Sauna Slim-Belt offers...they haven’t worked. And they still don’t. And won’t ever. By August 2011 you’ll be 10 times wealthier, have two more cars and about just as gullible as you are now. You will sense that you are slowly reaching the “Self-Actualization” pedestal on the Maslow’s Pyramid of Need but this sudden realisation will turn out be just another muffled sneeze situation.

Gemini: You are known to be restless, versatile, quick-witted and inventive. And extremely credulous because you really thought I meant all this. In about as short time as three months your current boss will find out a despicable truth about your past and your both’s relation would never be the same again. Keeping “Kuwa Ma Doob Jaaongi” as your mobile device ringtone has never helped anyone nor will it help you. And no, that doesn’t mean it as a caller tone will be condoned in civil society. The features of your love-life include texting three people the exact same semi-funny message again and again and wishing for atleast an-  “O, please. Stop bugging me.” reply. By September end, an in-depth study by Sociology Today will reveal that Bedbugs are okay, rather, you are the problem. Gemini, as a constellation, points away from the Milky Way. This should clearly tell you where the Universe wants you to be. Take cue. Walk straight. And no, that’s not a pack of Dry Idlis what you’ll get in mail on a certain February morning.

Cancer: You are known to be emotional, thrifty, nostalgic and home-loving. In short, “a sad little poodle of pathetic aggravation.” You will go on a date within next few months. Although, the awkwardness of your mutual incompatibility will be so palpable, the waiter will get both of you different bills without even asking. This March would call for a rational, well-reasoned thinking, be ready for some serious knee-pain attacks. Chances of your next posting being to a city - which brings as much to table on the matter of “Entertainment and Fun” as Mother Teresa would to a discussion of Gun-Shot Mechanisms - run astronomically high. Your unremitting urge to make yourself happy by scribbling inspirational sayings on toilet paper will get nil “Aye”s. August will see you gain even more flab and shed even more grey-matter. And yes, October wants you to think inside the box, whenever that comes by. Follow the instruction. The proverbial box is for people like you, so says the Crystal ball.

Leo:  You are known to be regal, commanding, egotistical and gregarious. Which sums up totally why you are such a failure at being the Alpha Male/Female. Although you kindle within that you actually are. Those cherished, albeit momentary, windows of bleaky, blurry achievements which has until now characterised your life, will stop opening all together forever.  An embarrassing nickname will resurface by July and would catch on like forest-fire by July end. Curse the Internet and your sob-y personality for this rather expected occurrence. Your “Love-Life” will be a far cry from anything that is associated either with “Love” or “Life.” Although, after September, everything you desire shall be yours, provided you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope. Oh, damnit.

Virgo:  You are known to be proper, painstaking, gentle and indiscriminating. Which is just like stating the obvious of the obvious facts. Your pursuit of knowing the limits of the ultimate, immaterial reality and finding an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of their being and experiencing the deepest values and meanings by which people ought to live, will bear bigger fruits than those in the G.M. labs. By the time you ace your weekend Tantric Sex classes, you’ll be getting bigger freelancing offers and higher responsibility at work place in the garb of ultra critical design calculations to be done solely by you. By as early as February, you would have meticulously achieved your set Half-Yearly goal objective landmark. Much has been already told about how the title of “Person of The Universe” is yours for taking. There are high chances that by Mid-Novemeber you will be offered the “taste-ter” profile in Cadbury’s “Bournvita” division. An opportunity many crave for but only few get. Go own the calendar, dearo.

Libra:  You are known to be helpful, indecisive, undemanding and peace-loving. And still, no one wants to be with you....sigh. Your act of getting lost in a closet is no more endearing and infact never was. Your porn-addiction keeps you up late into the night which results in sleepy cubicle hours up at the workplace. And by April, you would have realised that the over-head air-duct vent in that washroom enclosure where you head to catch up on your 40 winks when in office is actually a CCTV feedline heading straight up to the Corporate Personnel Office. And this will markedly reflect in your year-end Performance Linked Reward when the management will ask you to. in turn. reward the company. Monetarily speaking. I know, it sounds like a very bad year. But no, wait, 2012 will supersede it handsomely. It must be mentioned that all that attention you get is all nice but once in a while you should zip your pants up while leaving the washroom.

Scorpio:  You are known to be powerful, secretive, intense and possessive. And now you know why people dream of you dyeing choking onto food in the solitary confinement of your kitchen. Your love for astronomy will see you purchase a brand new state of the art Celestron - AstroMaster 130EQ 650mm German Equatorial Reflector Telescope. Which you will proudly place on you window panel to peacefully gaze into the nigt sky – an act which will not be taken in goodwill by the people in the opposite building and sooner than you can utter “Wow, Saturn!” some dude in a Khakhi uniform will be holding you up and giving you a pat down search. Your weak-linky love life will metamorphise into being “non-Existent” after this incident. By November, you would have made peace with your inner self and would have pledge to tide over the erstwhile indifferent behaviour of the people around you. This will only result into...wait, you know what, let me just let you find this out yourself whenever it happens.

Sagittarius: You are known to be adventures, outspoken, spontaneous and unpredictable. Which is just what Hippies were and you know what happened to them. Despite your said characteristics you have always been the person who gets missed out when a headcount for free smoothies gets done in cafes. This and much more of such, will principally continue. Your pursuit of understanding Life, the Universe and Everything remains confined to visiting the local planetarium once in six months. And people, by mid-May would begin realizing this and delete your name from their Yahoo Messenger contact list even. Trying to play Frisbee with teeth might sound like a good idea but I must warn you that this is a rookie mistake. Randomness would fire all cylinders when you final get grip on ‘Linear Dynamics’ as a concept. Your outgoing nature will be rewarded by a mud-strewn, half eaten lollipop, a quarter-full DVD-RW with a smearing scratch running acrss its diameter and three cases of pretty painful ligament tear. This is just another way of the Universe thanking you. Maybe.

Capricorn: You are known to be traditional, set in their ways kind, loyal and solemn. Which is basically what all Canines are famous for...err.  Yur aversion towards the month – May is top on charts of The Most Empirically Weird Things. And Multiverse will make you like May, particularly, this time round. The most intelligent question you would all of this year would be – “Why does my Wall-Shaving-Mirror with cardboard back-panel smell like cow-dung?” – No marks for guessing why you are known for being excruciatingly dumb. And despite insurmountable amount of odds stacked up against this happening, you will fluidly make yourself steer away from something interesting in the month of December. This would further placate the fact that your life is as meaningless as Winter Olympics. Your romantic pipedreams will eventually drive you towards a tunnel with no light in sight. But wait, there’s this one thing that’ll totally work for you....it’s called – Nothing. And for that to happen you’ll have to wait only uptill mid-February.

Aquarius: You are known to be Unconventional, creative, thought-spring-head and open-minded. Though sadly, no one gives a damn. The month of May will see Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, and Mars all visible within a roughly 6° area of sky. And the only educational tid-bit which you will take back from this experience will be: Never try to stare a minute too long in the tour-guide’s eye...It means something. You might try to ward off disease by wearing garlic speedstick but then again, who hasn’t among all of you (expect for the Virgos) had not had those moments of uber-insane insanity? By the month of September it will run up to become further clear as to why you are always that person who’s the last to get his/her luggage in the Airport’s Baggage Claim section. Your love life will remain as inexplicable as does the whole How-does-the-Bread-converts-to-Toast situation.

Pieces:  You are known to be dreamy, unambitious, mystical and vulnerable. In short, the kind of person who is the first one to catch Influenza among the pack. When the known, predicted and projected situation of the IPv4 unallocated address pool getting exhausted kicks in in 2011, you’ll be the among the first ones to take the hit. The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants. You might have a gut level instinct to pray in bathrooms, but this must be side-lined as just another loser-person idiosyncrasy. This column has always averred how the crystal ball gets all cranky uptill this point in time, enduring so much just to reach you – a nobody twelfth person – It’s flickering again. Okay, it shows – “you need to download flash player” message now. Man, it must hate you.

Image source

Priyarami of Mint gets a check.

Read this first

That got hit by this:

Pasting below comments (to bump it ahead) from one of the user (Richa1909) that speaks true minds of current Indians and has potential of facing the ego's of Mint Editors by showing how a professional article can be written.

It is very easy to get mad at you for writing this article and curse you for being unpatriotic and cynical, but I guess being an Indian also teaches you tolerance and wisdom enough to put our point across in a calm but reasonable fashion.

It was very surprising that a journalist of your caliber takes refuge in such an article, cynical and mocking in nature to the point of being contemptuous. The entire article feels so disconnected from today’s India’s reality that it’s surprising you think an average Indian today does not have a mind of his own just because he is a part of the crowd – which is not the case as we are equally capable of questioning things. I’m sorry for the detail but I feel compelled to address all the points raised by you.

Since when does large-scale affinity of a demographic to a fruit or a post meal freshener, define the spirit of a nation. Are you trying to tell us that no other country in the world prefers mangoes or any other fruit to this extent? And if any of those nationals do not conform to the affinity, they start questioning their belongingness to the country? It’s almost as if you are conveying that India as a country is not allowed to have its own food legends.

I’m sure there are a lot, A LOT of Indians who do not understand or follow cricket. None of those that I know had doubts about their origins for that reason.

If you feel everybody in India reads Chetan/Paul, you are certainly yet to meet a lot of readers. Again, even if they do, do you think you can define the sample group even by one common characteristic? I don’t.

Salwar-kameez? It’s not even Indian in origin. And frankly that statement seemed really like a 40-yr old wannabe.

If all the conversations around you begin with “You’ve lost/gained so much weight!”, you have been attending way too many parties lately. Personally, I think it’s a great conversation starter, esp if you are trying to relax the other person. I’m a sales person. And this really works.

I’m sure if you researched before writing this, you will find that the followers of daily soaps have been reduced dramatically in the recent past, forcing TV channels to redesign their prime time programming. They are popular no doubt, and even the diehard regular audience do question the content, but large stay home populations of home-makers and retired people are largely dependent on TV for their daily entertainment and have to do with what is available. It is called soap for a reason – like soaps, the bathing soaps – this market is large enough, has a lot of scope and demand and thus, equally competitive and it does not mean that everyone is using every soap.

Most of the people I know, switch off their cell phones during a movie. You are saying you want to define my nationalism by my cell phone etiquette?

The national anthem before every movie – then say u are not a Mumbaikar. It is not played in movie theaters in practically rest of the country. I really did not understand whether you had a problem with standing to the music of national anthem in the theatres or to the national anthem at all.

The elevator thing – the most frivolous reason I have seen anybody use to define a nationality. What about people in non-metros like Mysore and Chandigarh, where people respect queues and what about those smaller cities where elevators are not present in every building? Wonder what parameters their residents use to ascertain the extent of their nationality.

Totally agree with you on the girl child point, but I had to sit back and rethink about your capabilities as a journalist if you are defining Indianness on the basis of the attitude of a corrupt chief minister, not even a policy maker mainstream politician. I didn’t see you questioning the Indianness of your parents anywhere, and they did dutifully raise a girl child with all enthusiasm without weighing how Indian they were or should have been.

Fake pride and nationalism?? This was seriously offensive. Will you pls enlighten my small being which country in the world has “authentic” pride in themselves and what were the measures they adapted to calculate the greatness they have associated with themselves?

Festivals and weddings in India are a part of our culture. They have historically been a reason that the family as an institution still exists in India. They have been portals of inculcating values in our children and that’s why teen pregnancy/abortions are yet to become the obsessive problems of this country. If nothing else, festivals/weddings are a great way to break the shackles of the daily routine we tend to fall in, unwind, have some fun, meet people and look good – basically all the things which release endorphins in the body. Can’t reach to a point where I begin to see the problem with this. This is one point where I don’t care if it defines who we are. I’m happy something cheerful defines who we are and so be it. (Holi is my favorite festival and if you find time, I’ve written a blog here which you can read describing how Holi is still celebrated in parts of URBAN India. It’s much more beautiful in the rural parts, which you wouldn’t know of since if this article is anything to go by, you have never visited any).

As proud as a Hindu I am, I find it unfair that you define Indianness by one religion. What about the so many other religions and cultures that are flourished, promoted and acknowledged in India? And trust me, Hinduism as a religion is probably which allows the most independence. It doesn’t force any of the natural followers to follow it to the core. Coincidentally all the atheists and agnostics I have seen are Hindus. (Most of the comments on the article are hung up on what you wrote about Lord Ram. As an educated adult, you are entitled to having your own opinions and believing in them, but as an equally educated adult, I think you missed out on having the sensitivity to ensure you consciously did not hurt anybody’s sentiments).

About the poor man who’s the girl’s father – his woes are much bigger than jus paying for the food of 800 people. And if somebody wants to celebrate the fact that their children are beginning a new life together (without the groom family’s pressure), I think this feeling goes beyond boundaries and nationalities.

You know what, reading this article I realized that you are so much more Indian than you want to take credit for. You are Indian because you find everything back home scornful and foul just because you spent some years abroad. You are Indian because even though you say white is not your favorite skin color; you attach much more credibility to a foreigner’s work than an Indian. You are Indian because, despite being a journalist for a national daily, you define the world only by what’s happening around you. You are an Indian because you find it easy to see villains all around, rather than getting up and being or helping a hero.

There are many many more good things that are really Indian but I can’t use them to say how Indian you are as none of them come out through this article.

This article seemed very very myopic and totally laden by personal bias. Not only did it seem extremely ill researched, even if everything you said was absolutely true, I find a disconnect with the fact that you are looking for reasons to define your nationality. I find it extremely unbelievable that a person with responsible duties of a journalist is sketching the face of a nation based on the description from its politicians? Which country in the world is a reflection of its politicians?

I’m a proud Indian and I always thought nationalism did not come by reason. I always thought everyone in the world felt proud of where they came from – without having to wonder if it was justified.

-- James

While the rest of the world did something important. It was 'School-Visit' time for Zandiv Sev in Tezpur.

Our reporter caught up with Zandip Sev - A Rhino visiting his childhood place for general merriment with his then small Rhino friends who all have now turned into, well, big Rhinos themselves.

As our hero spring-hops around sharing sweet nothings with his confidants, 12^th-man-ish friends, and those-who-might-team-up-to-get-him-later-to-settle-remaining-scores sneaky lil piece of bastards, his big eyes clearly lets out the nostalgic aura of a 99 years old aunt from down-town Kolkata. When probed as to what were his first-sight thoughts about this reunion. Zandiv Sev quickly philosophises - “It’s like showing both your middle fingers at once. Just a sooper awesome feeling.” Smartly enough, he adduces almost immediately punctuating his remark with a strong backing. Defying all Laws of Averages and commonality of purpose amidst the clan, he sure has made many a, how to put it delicately? – ‘Haters’. Yeah, some of them with certain technical prowess. And, as the world (mostly a small tea-shop in Tezpur) knows that Middle Fingerati is his only kill.

He was then seen visiting his classrooms, clicking pictures with his horn all up and stuff, and doing the usual ‘oh-damn-we-are-together-again’ things. “My favourite professor then was our “Defence Against Poachers” teacher. He totally got the premonition of our ordeal when we had to face them during tourist seasons, as just now and he made us stack all the odds on our side when things like facing you all bipeds were considered. I mean look at all of us now, not a fear in the world!” In reaction to this, all his friends nodded in unison incessantly. This gesture sent the seismic sensors, in the other part of the country, all beeping fervently.

As he walked around, crossing gaily, his “Use Your Horn” lab he remembers how it’s assistant had once made him an, what he now calls, ‘Indecent Proposal.’  “Clearly I was taken aback. I mean, what else do you expect a feather-filled-mattress-of-innocence 12 year old Rhino to do at such situations?” Just as the reporter was stitching his fallen jaw back to its place, Zandiv adds “In retrospect, that event did teach me a lot. Now I totally can put myself in the shoes of my preys when I plan to go for the kill” He smiles, in very rhinolisious way. The report shudders and increases the intermittent distance by a one full hand more.

So, what is he upto nowadays? The reporter asks. To which he replies – “Well, between checking tatkal ticket availabilities for trains to a certain district in Gujarat and pushing the fact down people’s throat that “I Am Awesome” , I usually take out a lot of time in upholding my title of being the first one in our species to have learned the computers.” To which the small one standing next to him replies “Yes, true. Even during the hey-days he used to be super geeky and told us all about How-Not-To-Get-Any...” at which point, he was told shush up by Zandip Sev. We can only guess where that one was headed too.

The reporter at this point is agog about Zandiv’s future endeavours. Do they too involve Matrix-style flowing down equation on a LED screens in all those greeny setups while he tried to make of it? “Well, no.” He says. Followed by “I read the whole ‘Confessions of an Economic Hitman” by John Perkin in one sitting, hogged “False Economy” in one nightfall,  and even skimmed through Nail Furguson’s articles over the Internet. But I set all the acquired enlightenment to rot and planned to join a PGDM course anyway.  In my defence, you can only be on one side of ‘The Truth’ and if you are not one the winning side, then even if that side is ‘The Truth’, it is of no use to you. And I always choose the winning side.”  The report at this point had his ‘Ting’ moment. And he made a small note of the same comment.

On the more personal front, the reporter enquires, how are things? “You see, with great intelligence comes great shiny horns. And the ladies just dig for such combinations” He winks. “I use this special HornyShine^TM block razor to keep my member shining and, well, Horny, if you know what I mean. And then I let contingency take over. Who am I to judge where the things would lead to?” He shrugs and winks again just as some female Rhino nonchalantly dismiss the fact of his existence and walks by. “I also cash on my popularity and do a lot of awareness programs” He informs. “My recent one – Birth Control – is catching up such momentum that I am buck sure that our endangered ratings might shoot up and the world will start taking us seriously. I envisage some uppity news channel even launching a whole damned campaign with some sundry mobile network company which would go as “Save the 1411 Rhinos” or some shit to which no one would have any idea “How to” but still, I might get a photo-op in the bargain.” He smiles. The report is now totally awestruck by the viability of the whole idea.

Just as the reporter was about wrap up the whole meet up thing, he steps down for one final query – “How much does a Rhino of your proportion weighs?” To which Zandiv Sev replies “Don’t ask me The Player. I am a lean-o-mean guy of the lot. Ask the loser fat-wannabe one’s trotting behind” At this point; Zandiv scuttles away leaving behind a cloud of red Tezpury dust, into the deep enclosures of the horizons. In all his Rhino-lic glory.

Fortnight-ly Forecast. For you, NITians

Okay, this has been a bit late in the block thanks to the tendered splicing event of snapped out FOC somewhere in the corner of this 250 acred campus. Long story short - Internet was broke.

Aries - You'll kick start off with a surprise party. Yeah, you'll be ahooza! surprised when they actually let you in. There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about, and the trajectory would continue to lend a positive slope. Much of which events you participated in this mindbend were rigged by the universe itself and the awesome virgos took all the moolah home. Don't hate yourself for that now!...the others do enough already.

Taurus -  Your Gf/Bf would have a 30-year mortage, a 5-year car lease and a lifetime gym membership. But still he/she'll be afraid of commitment...So basically it's just a 'liking' thing with you. And it's that that they don't. Many a hidden covert albeit prominent eczema spots would resurface all over your countenance. Don't worry, it's just a way in which the universe is rubbing it in your face.

Gemini - When it comes to hard work, you are always willing to go the extra mile to avoid it at all costs. This very thing will keep getting in your way of getting anything. You must at all ruddy cost STOP poking finger in your nose while still facing 100s of people. The reason behind you being unable to bag your "dream job" was due to collateral damage caused by the aforementioned personal habits. And it's too late, sigh.

Cancer - So you people are still, like, alive? Bummer. The per capita revenue for every country is heading south wards and maybe your presence is accelerating the cause in a weird enigmatic sort of way. Find a huge drum or a pitcher to hide in coz if people find this out, they are gonna get you before you can say "Mumma!!!" Aside from that most of everything plus the anything would be afoot. Thank you for listening.

Leo - All of your life's pieces are beginning to fall right in place....above your head, to be precise. Eying for unattainable attention has been your thing ever since Japanese internment camp days, but maybe that skill too is beginning to wear off. That said, there's nothing left to prophecize about here anymore.

Virgro - Mindbend saw you win hard in almost all events. And your modest declination regarding receiving the Best Zodiac Sign Award has earned you even more admirers in the annals of your current surrounding. Most of this fortnight would pass in attaining the state of universal oneness, experiencing the bliss of knowing and making those dumbfaaks at the libra list shut their yappers up. And yes, you'll do a good job off it. Carry on you winner.

Libra - Your unbound, limitless, unsolicited and as-redundant-as-this-line yammering would put off even a snake's will to evolve and develop hearing capabilities. Your fake lacing up of your sentences with exotic vocabulary will make someone steal your Barron's and Kaplan and hell those two cost you an arm and a leg. Nothing much, aside from a trashy paper in your mouth scenario, would worth notifying in this period.

Scorpio - Your intellectual property is in foreclosure and there is nothing that you can do about it. Your love for South Park and later the act if imitating it's histrionics will get you into serious trouble involving a sizeable amount of fine amount and probably, later, a family ouster. Please keep away from stray dogs, your face scares them off.

Sagittarius - The facts say that when you kiss someone for one minute, you both burn 26 calories. Ofcourse this piece of information is of the unusable cateogry as, come on be frank, who the hell will this "other" be? Aside from cribbing about your lonely existence, fighting a receding hair line and losing at a straightforward game of chess (level 1) against the computer you will see the sunset on many other things. And no, this is not explicit pessimism. Rather pure optimism with experience. 

Capricorn - So you just found out that you cannot hum holding your nose closed. Big deal, get over it. What little you know, you owe to your ignorance. Worship it in an really weird religious sort of a way (dancing around naked with sticks) all these 15 days. Your gig at the "New Chapter" personal thing of starting your Btech course with a new beginning will seem like playing scrabble with Shakespeare. You'll quit and sing "give me some sunshine.." within 2 hours of this commencement. Loser.

Aquarius - Your caddish behavior, in past, have got you series of varied things been thrown at you from random places. Being acquainted with such a grade of treatment, you wont be even half as surprised when a kid whom you just told about the Birds and Bees tells you about the taxi driver and your girlfriend. Unlike things in the 'Love' department, the things in the "Oh My Goodness I am a freaking loser" dept would scale up further aided by midnight realisations and toilet epiphanies. Happy it.

Pieces - You come so late on this list that even my crystal ball runs out of battery and well, motivation to predict you one totally genuine and bankable forecast. But let me tell you this, it's not a good sign when your abdomen pains and you have a case of unmentionable hair growth in some places unseen. If you find such occurrence a rather frequent affair, I suggest you call up the people in the factory who made you.

And thus Spake Shekhar Bhai !

(Done, primarily, for a Renesa issue on 26th Jan. The issue never got published, though, the talk was way too fun for it to stay beneath black clothes )

Good Morning, Shekhar Bhai! Welcome to this ‘conversation’ thing that we do in Renesa.   As always, we’d like to begin with saying that it is not an interrogation or an interview, it is a conversation to know the person who’s always on the other side of the table, behind the counter. Also I don’t know what we’ll be calling it. But, before we together rake up some interesting stuff about our college which goes beyond our stay here of 4 years, we want to know about your college life around which there is this sweet mystery. There are rumours (oh god, rumour mill didn’t spare even you!) that you are a graduate of the Electronics department of this college. Please tell us about your true college life!
(Laughs) Well, you know about my college life better. Okay, I want to make this very very clear. I am not from this college.

Sure? 
Yes! But even though I didn’t study here, I have never felt like an outsider. I have got so much love and affection from everyone here, I feel I belong to this place as much as you do.

How long have you been here?
Fourteen years.

So coming back to our question, which college are you from?
Well, I want that to remain suspense!

OMG! Even now?
Yes. You know, even though I haven’t got an official degree from this college, I have spent much long a period here than any one of you! (smiles) So I have got a degree higher than anyone of you.

So when you came here from Surathkal with your friends, did you have a plan in mind? Was it your intention to start a catering business, or is it that one thing led to the other and you entered this field?
After finishing my college I got plenty of job offers- I took up a job in Godrej Limited. However, I faced typical job problems- I could not spend much time with my family, I was not free to decide my timings for personal work, so I considered starting a business of my own. I then did a course in hotel management from Surathkal itself, and then came here.

Who all are in your family?
I stay here with my cousin and my sister-in-law. My parents are in Surathkal.

Are you married?
(blushing)No

Er… why? Since this is the Love issue, we will tread on these lines a bit.
I move one step at a time. I have one more step to go in my career. Once that is accomplished, I will think of marriage.

Ok now you told us you have many catering spots elsewhere too, but the college junta is unaware of them. Please could you tell us something about them?
This is a little embarrassing.. kind of self eulogizing. But since you insist, I’ll tell- there is one in SCET, in C. K. Pithawala, in Larsen and Toubro, in Rama Paper Mill, in Atul Limited (2-3 inside the colony), in Police Commissioner’s building, one in Bhatar, one on Ring Road, one in Ankleshwar…

So your network is more widely spread than Kentucky Fried Chicken! Is it that your own canteen served bad food and that was the inspiration for you to open a canteen?
(smiles) No no , it was never that way. If that had been my idea, I would have gone to all other NITs too.

So what is your impetus to work here? You work so efficiently. Even in rush hour, things work like clockwork. How?
In a business, the more you work, the more you earn, the more satisfaction you get out of it. It’s like, by working this much I can earn 2 rupees, so why not put in more to earn 4 rupees? That drives us all.

And you never even raise prices, and you had once told me you would not want to increase prices.
True, but now I may need to bring in some changes. Prices of commodities have increased so much, I might go in loss if I don’t increase my prices.

How is it that you spend all your time here? You have so many establishments…
As I said, I have cousins here who work at the other places. If one has to look after something well,  one needs to give time to it, right?

What are the expansion plans of this canteen. There are demands that non-vegetarian food be served here. There has been a demand for maggi since such a long time!
I am not very keen on starting non veg here. Most Gujaratis are vegetarians. Many of the faculty members who eat here are Jains. If we started serving non veg, it would irk them. We surely can start a separate non veg outlet.

So if you put the proposal, would the committee work upon it?
Not necessarily. I can never even think of suggesting a non-veg outlet. It needs to be very very clean. Hygiene issues come up. I personally believe that a non-veg kitchen cannot be clubbed with vegetarian. The utensils need to be cleaned very well to remove the smell of non-veg, etc.

And what about a Maggi counter?
Again difficult. The student strength has increased so much, so have the number of items on our menu, there is a lot of pressure on the kitchen. It is too small for an extra item. But if we start a new juice center outside, we might think of starting maggi there.

Talking about what changes do you see in students since then the time you first came here?
Earlier students were quite chilled out about academics. There were fewer classes. If there were any at around 10:30, they would go only in the afternoons. Now I see students rushing to study even at 8:30 in the morning! Another major change I see is that apparently nobody wants to be single. Earlier it never was that way. There were also fewer girls, of course! And they rarely came to the canteen. Hostel to classes and back. Now it is hostel-> canteen-> classes-> canteen-> hostel. And canteen is not just a place to eat, it has now become a place to relax. For all kinds of fun, etc. if ten students gather together , it becomes one gala celebration. All meetings take place here. Nowadays people look for a place where they get everything under one roof.

Which time according to you is the liveliest in the canteen? Exam, Post exam, Election, Fests, etc…?
During elections it used to be very different. Even friends used to stop talking to each other, switching their loyalties to their respective assos. I always found that quite weird. I mean, friendship should be above everything, right?  Then during events and fests too students are quite busy and immersed in their work. I have seen some of the recent event heads behave so bossily, it scares even me at times. Of course I enjoy it all. It is one long movie for me. J

Now we do say a lot of things in our sponsorship brochures about the success of a fest in terms of the footfalls and media coverage; but as students, when we compete against one another, how big a hit an event or a fest has been is judged by the amount of food and drink consumed in canteen. So, as per this benchmark, which fest according to you was the most successful in recent times?
As far as I remember, Autofest 2006 was pretty well-received by all. Even among my friends, that is still the most talked about fest. Huge crowds had come from outside and I personally too liked it a lot.

So where do you disappear during fests? You can just plant a substitute here and then move around you know!
I do make it a point to see every event of every fest. You people are so engrossed among yourselves, you don’t see me at all!

How do you recruit people for the canteen? More importantly, how do you create the special bonding between them all? Like you had said earlier, they are from all parts of India. B-schools, to get into which we bust our asses off for almost a quarter of our engineering course, dish out some mumbo-jumbo about team management from fat textbooks. How do you do it all so simply? I mean we just hand out the coupon to one person, and there are so many of us out there shouting different orders with different specifications- sada, masala, Jain, Jain without only onion and garlic, etc, but like magic, in goes the coupon, and out comes our correct dish. How??
Management, according to me, is selflessness and humility combined together. There is no scope for selfishness in management. I never think that I have to ‘lead’ a team. I believe that we all have to move ahead together. None of us ever regards anyone as a junior. When a person’s views are considered and respected, he feels good about himself and works to his full potential because he has been implicitly told that he has it in him to do well. The maxim, “The boss is always right”, just does not work these days.

So do you find working here stressful? Have you ever regretted being here?
No, never. In fact, coming back to the management aspect of it, the work gives me a lot of experience. Besides, the biggest plus point is that all my workers are very responsible. The new ones see the older ones and learn from them.

Some students wished to know if they can work here in the canteen, behind the counter (in the kitchen, to be more precise)? They are willing to do it without any remuneration at all. The way they have started doing it in the library…
(laughs) Well, actually there is no vacancy at all in the kitchen. I already have a staff of 25. If some students barge in, it will become one big pandemonium- just like another classroom!

Do you cook food?
Oh yes! I can make quite a few things! I don’t make in the canteen, but at home, I do cook at home.


Who is the Geetha of ‘Geetha caterers’?
That is the boss’s mother’s name!

There are rumours that you have friends among other chefs in restaurants. Did this happen after you came to this industry or were they your friends even before that?
Well many of them were with me in college in Surathkal.

So how do you find time to keep in touch with your friends? You are busy all day long in the canteen, right?
Well, for friends one must always keep some time reserved, however busy one is. I try my best to do that.

And your Mathematics must have become pretty good by now! You give change so fast, I have never seen that anywhere else!
Well I was always very quick at calculations. I was known as ‘calculator’ in school, and that is now coming in use now. (smiles)

This is one question you simply must answer! When is your birthday? No, we promise we will not pester you for treat! Please please please!
(laughs a lot) I will tell you the year and the month. January 1979.

Awww! Belated happy birthday, Shekhar Bhai! Some more clues, please!! Are you a Capricorn?
Yes.

That narrows our window further!
Try guessing the exact date, I will treat you in Gateway. (smiles)

I Am so getting that. Alright now tell me this, your caller tune is “pehle nasha…pehla khumar..” and this is a love centric issue. So bang comes a question: what is your definition of love?
(Long silence)

Bro???
(again long silence)

kya shekhar bhai?  Anything. Just what are views on love?
ummm….I wanted to keep that a suspense!

DUDE!! Oh no, this is such an anti-climax! People are not going to leave you at the counter now! Ok now could you suggest some love potion in your canteen? A dish which you would call the most romantic?
oh but if I name a South Indian dish, the others might feel offended. If I name a north Indian dish the others would be offended! No no no…

Lemme guess Idli Sambhar, right?
(laughs) umm ok my favourite is idli-sambhar as it is yours. And I feel that it, being the humblest dish available, is also the most romantic of all; there is nothing complicated about it. It exemplifies the simplicity, innocence and purity of love. 

With that in print, you will have to now open a separate idli stall! Now, you have been here for 14 years. You have had so much experience with students. Do you see yourself ever getting tired of it all and one day telling yourself, “Fine! I am quitting it all. I don’t want to stay here any longer!” Any future plans?
No, as of now, there are no such plans. But one obviously has to be mentally prepared for any such eventuality. Presently everything is quite perfect, and I wish to hold on to that and at the same time try to grow as much as possible. We are now thinking of expanding our network-I wish to open a three star restaurant.

Any expectations from us? Like Hasmukh bhaiya had personally told me that he wanted to study. It’s been two years since then. We could never do anything. Do you feel angry about it?
No, not at all. You are all NITians, you need to focus on your studies. I have no expectations from you. You guys are already doing so much apart from studies- so many extra-curricular activities, etc.

Still, no expectations?
(silence)

clearly, you never had any from us! none!
(smiles) Well, I have never had expectations from anybody. I know you are all very talented. But I see you people are very busy, spending your time on so many things. I do not wish to pressurize you with anything. Like you are all doing so much for Nirvana. For Mindbend. For different committees. I am happy with what I have and what you all do.

Any complaints against college administrators?
No

Was there a canteen before you came here?
Yes, and I met the owner of that canteen just once- he was leaving and I was coming. (smiles)

That's just precious information. By the way. how did you come in? Was there a tender or was there a cooking competition of some sorts?
No, no, just a tender.

So do you have any questions from team Renesa? or any message to us?
There is just one thing I feel very strongly about. Physically abusing someone is really bad. Interaction with juniors is perfectly fine. Just do what is necessary. If ragging is more harmful than beneficial to you or to your institute reputation, then why do you do it?

Alright, point taken! So shekhar bhai, we wrap up the interview. Thank you so much for sparing us your valuable time, we simply loved the conversation!Even I loved it. And if anybody feels bad about what I said, I am sorry about it. All said and done, I am an outsider, just a canteen wala, maybe I have no business commenting about what you people do in your college. Overall, even I really liked talking to you a lot. Thank you very much!


(Transcription By Swati. Pics: Krishnan, Harshit )