13 ways to make a bollywood movie

13 musts, when trying to make a bollywood movies


1. Story has to be about romance. No questions. To give the villagers who watch these movies a twist, try adding as many love triangles as possible, and even love rectangles, if more than two actors are in the film. Love dodecahedrons may be a possibility[Though not mathemathematically]

2. Shah rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachan must be in the movie. Otherwise, there might be a protest or a strike.

3. The male "hero" must be Muslim, and the female "heroin" must be Hindu. Such available male actors include Aaaaaamir Khan, Salmon Khan, Zayeeeeeed Khan, Safe Ally Khan, Abishit Butchan, Farteen Khan and Sharook Khan. Female actresses include Ashwarehouse Rye, Pretty Ugly Zithead, Bitchassa Busu, Uh,me?SHA! Paddle, and Rainy Macaroniji. This is so the Hindu-Muslim population ratio is balanced and no conflicts result, so a partition doesn't occur after watching "Raju Chacha." Also, the Kapoop family, which includes millions of actors, have the largest family as possible for the director's convenience.

4. Every movie must have 10 songs. In the corresponding videos, Sharook Khan must raise his hands in the air as if to hug no one in particular but everyone in general, followed by curling his eyebrows in unusual positions (triangular positions are highly favorable, to remind the audience of the numerous love triangles) followed by running his finger inexplicably through his hair.

5. It is mandatory that every movie have at least one scene where the hero punches the air ten feet in front of the bad guy to the sound of a small firecracker, only to send him flying off in the wrong direction due to complex shockwaves created by his bekar expression.

6. All movies must be rated FFTTI (fun for the typical indian), so directors don't lose money if video material is unsuitable for particular audiences. (They can walk out AFTER they pay for the ticket, the directors don't give a crap as long as they have money to bring curry to the table.)

7. Make sure actresses giggle and toss their hair constantly to seduce interviewers. Classes to learn how to do so are held every other ten years, instucted by Pretty Ugly Zithead, who has years of experience.

8. Bollywood is frequently pronounced "bawl-e-vud", as it is mandatory that each movie has at least one scene where the old ladies bawl their eyes out. The young ladies do that just as well

9. There must be at least one scene where the young lovers stare soulfully into each others' eyes, each hoping that the other will pay for dinner, while fans (financed by the profits of previous movies) blow the heroines hair around.

10. The main actors must, and this is compulsory, mix hindi and english together (=hinglish). Just as you do while typing SMSes. When speaking english it must be in a dodgy american accent(not really american, mostly an indian kidnapped from a call centre to sound american).

11. Any actors in the movie who are not of indian origin must speak in an american accent. The accent produced must be out of tone and style with the rest of the cast.

12. Each main and supporting character of the film must have a minimum of 327 back-up dancers respective of the gender.[More would do, but no less]

13. If you are Karan Johar, then your movies' title MUST start with the letter K and also be titled after a song from one of your previous movies...which also started with a K.