13 ways to make a bollywood movie

13 musts, when trying to make a bollywood movies


1. Story has to be about romance. No questions. To give the villagers who watch these movies a twist, try adding as many love triangles as possible, and even love rectangles, if more than two actors are in the film. Love dodecahedrons may be a possibility[Though not mathemathematically]

2. Shah rukh Khan and Amitabh Bachan must be in the movie. Otherwise, there might be a protest or a strike.

3. The male "hero" must be Muslim, and the female "heroin" must be Hindu. Such available male actors include Aaaaaamir Khan, Salmon Khan, Zayeeeeeed Khan, Safe Ally Khan, Abishit Butchan, Farteen Khan and Sharook Khan. Female actresses include Ashwarehouse Rye, Pretty Ugly Zithead, Bitchassa Busu, Uh,me?SHA! Paddle, and Rainy Macaroniji. This is so the Hindu-Muslim population ratio is balanced and no conflicts result, so a partition doesn't occur after watching "Raju Chacha." Also, the Kapoop family, which includes millions of actors, have the largest family as possible for the director's convenience.

4. Every movie must have 10 songs. In the corresponding videos, Sharook Khan must raise his hands in the air as if to hug no one in particular but everyone in general, followed by curling his eyebrows in unusual positions (triangular positions are highly favorable, to remind the audience of the numerous love triangles) followed by running his finger inexplicably through his hair.

5. It is mandatory that every movie have at least one scene where the hero punches the air ten feet in front of the bad guy to the sound of a small firecracker, only to send him flying off in the wrong direction due to complex shockwaves created by his bekar expression.

6. All movies must be rated FFTTI (fun for the typical indian), so directors don't lose money if video material is unsuitable for particular audiences. (They can walk out AFTER they pay for the ticket, the directors don't give a crap as long as they have money to bring curry to the table.)

7. Make sure actresses giggle and toss their hair constantly to seduce interviewers. Classes to learn how to do so are held every other ten years, instucted by Pretty Ugly Zithead, who has years of experience.

8. Bollywood is frequently pronounced "bawl-e-vud", as it is mandatory that each movie has at least one scene where the old ladies bawl their eyes out. The young ladies do that just as well

9. There must be at least one scene where the young lovers stare soulfully into each others' eyes, each hoping that the other will pay for dinner, while fans (financed by the profits of previous movies) blow the heroines hair around.

10. The main actors must, and this is compulsory, mix hindi and english together (=hinglish). Just as you do while typing SMSes. When speaking english it must be in a dodgy american accent(not really american, mostly an indian kidnapped from a call centre to sound american).

11. Any actors in the movie who are not of indian origin must speak in an american accent. The accent produced must be out of tone and style with the rest of the cast.

12. Each main and supporting character of the film must have a minimum of 327 back-up dancers respective of the gender.[More would do, but no less]

13. If you are Karan Johar, then your movies' title MUST start with the letter K and also be titled after a song from one of your previous movies...which also started with a K.

Aao Beta | Freshman Welcome, Unpublished

Oh good, so you’ve grown up! I mean wasn’t it just yesterday when you were being waddled through a crowd to a class, in a school named ‘tiny tots’ or something with your fingers tugged into your mommy’s hand, howling like the insti siren?...wait, what are you looking at? no? Damn, I always knew it was only me doing that. Anyways, Now that your are a bada bacha n bachi [I hope mutually exclusive] and into your new home for four years [ err..some ppl do stay longer though] you need a guide to ‘waddle you through the crowd to your class with your finger tugged in his hand’. And I have been allotted the job of that ‘guide’ [phew, I always thought I’ll be a peon]

So, the first thing you saw about your palace was the ‘fourth dimensional SVNIT gate’. Over my tenure it got painted, depainted, repainted, final coat and then painted again for 368 times. But boy, does it look Handsome. If the 8 lane road didn’t get so frequently choked up by traffic as kandivili gutters, you could cross and have a better look at it from the other side. But why are we stuck at it??? Let’s move in. NOOOO…there you are stopped by the BSPF jawans, just show your ID card, Debit card or anything that nearly looks like a card and you can zoom in like an owl! Moving forward you cross hostel-10,9,8 [girls must stay put in H7 for now] and you feel like ‘yeah, am gonna njoy stuff” and just as your about to take a right turn, your life takes a U-turn. SURPRISE SURPRISE, you are going to stay in H1,2,3. Now, some words of funless wisdom here. The place is so x 10 to the power 38- times much in better condition now. But before, [stupid nostalgia] people almost thought about buying a tent instead. It’s a myth that until 1961 A.D. prisoners were kept in these buildings, when suddenly archaeological survey of India smoked them out citing it as ‘unfit for human habituation’ from then on engineering students were allotted the haven. Some factions believe it to be true though. Now, way too much have been written and said about the place [and mosquitoes, mess food, annoying roomie, stuck up toilets, slippery stairways, doors with stickers, falling parapets ( ZOINKS!) ] so let’s just leave it and live it. Being the diplomatic snob that I am, Its imperative that you learn that the hostel authorities have put a lot of thought in maintaining the ‘old man look’ of the hostel and still provide modern facitlities viz, TV, CCfs, Gezers, cycle stand, Hand drier near the mess wash basin [that’s friggin cool!] and good attending staff. Kudos to them! The girls hostel is too a great place, like first the 1^st year had to keep themselves in staff quarters, which mildly gave them the feeling of being in a rental scenario of southern bangalore. But now H7, three seaterd, fun life awaits you. With a great garden with manicured lawn in front, what more can one ask for? Though here too mess food is always looked upon as mess, but some say the low mess charges act as compensation. But nothing can be said for certain unless you are a girl, which I long before realised I am not.

Once you get over the initial home sickness, and breaking-the-ice phenomenon with people around you [where you act all ‘deshent’ and goodie goodie] you seem to get ready to imbibe the hugeness of the place [and also to include a large no. of profanity in your vocab] Its 250 acres which includes 11 hostels (12^th,13^th coming up), canteen, departments, dispensary, sports center, 2000+ people and a ground so large that you can actually play cricket, football and quidditch (if you can) all at the same time; It’s a legend that a man was once lost in a remote SVNITian area in the summers of ’93, we just found him yesterday!!..so be careful. The place is transforming fast and how, I mean four year ago we had 8feet high grass, now there are 8 stories hostels coming up. With ‘funds no more a constrain’ [the sentence heard every 3^rd day from from every 2^nd faculty member] things sure will be hunky dowry. The whole campus is, is?, is! Wi-fi ed. And then there were rumours about centrally AC-ed Admin building with rare orchids in the garden, but I suppose they are just that for the moment.

The internal road system is fundu, with all the bumps just at the right place. The crossings and T’s here have names! One of the most famous is the PMC [the Piya Milan Chowk] If your elementary hindi isn’t that good, ask your neighbour what that means. It’s a place with which every NITizen is grossly in obsession with, no one can have enough of it ever. Every 3^rd sentence spoken in campus consist this word. It has many orkut, facebook, myspace, ibibo, wayn , and ‘I don’t care’ communities to it. Some alumni in DRDO may even name a missile after it some day [Amen]. But that’s not the point, the point is “WHY??” Well, see the theory says then when you have such large number of youngsters thrown in together to endure learning of mechanisms of moving stuff, and non-corrosive boilers for four years; love is sure to bubble up. And that’s exactly what its for, its that Shakespearian place where the beloveds see each other for the last time, well only talking about that day actually, but bollywood taught them to overreact. But now a huge change has struck, 3^rd and final year girls have moved to a different place [where they say their privacy has hit an all time low of 6.7], diluting the concept of PMC by 50%. But from the +ve POV, we now have two of them. Senior PMC, and Junior PMC. After learning this, some may say that authority’s plan actually backfired. Whatever, lets just be mushy and think about ‘lhuuuv’.

Now instead from telling you about CRC, Canteen, Departments and other geographically distant placed entities, which you can yourself find out. Let me tell you something about seniors here.

2^nd YEARities

These people are way too happy to be seniors now. They go around changing their orkut ‘freshers’ communities to ‘seniors now!!’. They have discovered that staying in canteen is actually fun. According to stats they consume most of the food there. They get nostalgic attacks about CRC, and all the literature they put on its benches. But that goes off soon, when they find new benches in their respective departments. They are very hard working, being the ‘working class’ of every festival this institutes hosts i.e. all in all good self less people, with a bright future and dipping GPA ahead.

3^rd YEARities

Being one of them myself, I fail to understand or believe “how did I pass 4 sems?” that emotion is shared by 98.37% of populace, the rest, well they didn’t. These people are entrusted with all the responsibilities one can think of. They have to study hard, be more technical in approach, start giving wisdoms to junies, arrange for every fest here, decide about future plans, get a job in the end. Apparently they are so tired by april. That they cant help but try and Jump to final year.

Final Yearities

No one, including themselves, have the slightest clue as to for what are they here for, most of them by now have forgotten that they study engineering. All of them have one or more job in pocket and an IMS class in the evening. They move around with ‘Holier than thou’ expression, in chilled out cargo pants. Occasionally they cycle and visit ONGC bridge, only to come back later [LULZZZ]. They have largest basket of prudent wisdom with them, coz they have been there and done that [in all the respects]. They wake up in night and cry that ‘OMG, this my last year!!’..well some coudn’t care less, and just grin away.

So aren’t they all nice people??..[any different opinion or charges of libel may please be directed to nijeesh129[at]gmail[dot]com . Disputes subjected to Chinchpokli judiciary only]

The world doesn’t end here; you have 1001 ways to spend your time fruitfully here. There exists many forums here as Drishti, CHRD, LnD, ACM, Shuche which has something or the other for everyone every next evening. Talking more about it gets you convicted, so I’ll shut up. Then there are fests like Kashish, Entrumeet, Autofest, Mindbend, Sparsh, Prakriti, end sems….and some more I just can’t remember. These all together make you great human beings. The experience [and exhaustion] on both sides of tables deserves a try!

If you are just too lazy to do indulge in any of these; atleast try and learn a new language you lazy bum!

This article was deliberately made so lengthy to keep the suspense quotient up, as we yet haven’t spoken about RAGGING.

“hooray”

-certain 2^nd yearite on the word ‘Ragging’

“HUH?”

- All the first yearites in unison.

This is the second biggest anticlimax you would have faced this month [the 1^st being ‘Mission Istanbul’]. After all things said and done one thing remains;

“No one can humiliate YOU without YOUR consent.”

Some say its ‘just fun’; but its only for you to decide.

Some say it doesn’t exists; but its only for you to decide.

Some say its important; but its only for you to decide.

Some say its mental exercise; But its only for you to decide.

Some say its product of senseless seniority complex; [I am personally baised to this point but…] its only for you to decide.

Some say this author is being a nuthead; its decided that its true.

Though everyone is curious to know what changes the new admission system excites. Some seniors are banging their heads as we read, while some are partying in ‘sheesha’ due to same reasons. The political structure must have been bamboozled greatly. I use ‘must have been’ because seriously I don’t understand the bizarre setup; and let’s face it, no one does.

Just as inside, the outside world is too, eventful. Viz every damn thing is ridiculously overpriced, Every SQ inch of road is filled, stuck, held hostage by a vehicle. All the great malls in this area attract people from all there nearby areas and Valsad on weekends. The diamond city is hustling bustling with an exponential growth literally and figuratively, I mean you may be just peacefully driving and suddenly a flyover emerges underneath, freaking the crap outta you. To mention some great ‘bahar latkna’ [read ‘Hang out’ in US] places, we’ll go with

- Rangeela park

- Klassic, SnS, Sunrise, US pizza, TOI and other sundry eateries.

- Lake view garden

- Anyone of the 2453 malls and multiplexs

- Dumas beach

- ONGC bridge [strictly with a guitar in hand]

- Sargam

- Ravi Medicals

- The coconut pani counter outside

- SBI ATM inside

- The long Varacha flyover

The 4th point reduced the list size.

So? Checklist:

We cribbed about hostels, admired the gate, talked about things inside, discussed ragging, recommended sight seeing places. And for once we didn’t be chauvinists and objectified girls, almost everything a typical welcoming the freshman article consists of!!....so your guide’s job done. Transfer a sum of 3500 + 11 % service tax to the account number 0000300-Idntdiscloseit-567. Can’t wait to meet you. Bye!