Lost Conviction

Sometimes, you dig the soil. Hoping you get something out of there, something, maybe, in there....you keep on digging and then a metal sound crashes across...and startels your eardrums.

You find something.

What is it? Some treasure-trove? Some thing of 'value'? Or just pure crap? It's as much a question as 'Go' as a sentence is. Not all one. Though 'why' is something you must mull over.

And here's the background, I felt like hitting something these vacs. If you wish to, let's discuss it further.

It was my third year of studies in NIT Surat. Let's say not just 'studies' but studies + things. And this 'things' thing is way to expansive to be contained in this space. Like bees buzzing around your head. Creeping the hell out of you. making you realise again and again as to how can more things go wrong and collapse in more than the ways they are happening right now. The WHY ME, WHY NOT ME phase. Damn, pretty arsaholic, I tell you.

It is said, that only when you hit a rock bottom, and Coldplay becomes your favorite band, only then, it is, that you demand, from yourself a serious soul searching. And when that begins to happen, you lose conviction...on anything and everything that there can be. Importantly, you feel happy about it.

So, I leave for home, making an vow to myself to never return to this place. Well, I know that sounds way too dramatic but it's kinda just stating a fact.

Upholding the "meet no one, call no one, go nowhere" self-proscribed pact I spent my days and nights, evenings and mornings, afternoons and that crazy time of brunch and lunner....staying put in my lovely six-roomed, river adjacent, open field facing, two storeyed, awesome home in ahmedabad. Yeah, that is the place I love the most. And mind you, I did so.

I went on to be a total existential fool. Used to drink 1 litre of milk daily, have four meals a day, play my guitar, my keyboard, play with my cutey lil doggies, write at length, talk to my ma n pa(and only to them), read more than 40 books...on subjects varying from psychology to philosophy, crime to romance, physics to mathematics, genetics to satire, evolution to engineering, economics to politics...I read two papers a day...read four weekly magazines....I read untill I got into even more reading. And that is when something begun to happen...I kind of felt like meeting a new person..the one inside me. The real me...the real Nijeesh.

There was a pattern that was begining to emerge, the pattern that eventually unified into something...a convergence point...like telling you something...wanting to explain you something....a revelation of sorts which wants to clarify and clear out all that toxic black slush that's been flowing within you...that's gotten into you after ye many years of 'expectations' 'ambition' 'wants' ....and the despair that which follows when none of it is met....that convergence point seemed to have answers to all these things....and the most humbling experience of all was that, even after reading at length about things...and being a total positivist to the core, I still couldn't see what that blury and hazy line was all about.

Now, there was this fluid realisation that I was experiencing... I don't know if I can explain it with words...what I kinda want to say...but lemme try anyway...I kind of chanced upon the so very apparent flaw in the way I went about living my life: I was so dependent.

I was dependent on happiness of people around me...their well being...my happiness was so very much a fuction of a couple of people around me. I was 'attached' to them...I was 'attached' to things and these people so much that once that thing or person ceases to exist I felt something inside me fall and never stop falling. I got over this anomaly pretty effortlessely...the realisation was such that I now no more took or held myself responsible for any sadness that exists around or for that matter...any happiness that exists around. I realised, that I cannot make anybody happy and neither can I make anyone sad....I just don't matter that much,....I just am, one among the other 6bn. Totally inconsequential. And this is kind of good you know...kinda sublimely lovely.

I began losing all convictions...what's good/what's bad, I could no more classify. I didn't know what anymore could be classified as pain or pleasure....what's apparent darkness or light.....start or end....no, I stopped existing. I know, I am coming out to be a total fool out here...but that's one more thing that which to my extend nature baggage that got appened....I no more have any allowance for "What-anyone-would-think" factor. The equation, now has no denominator no numerater...but there was just one constant, that still esixted. And that made me use this thing....and use, I did....effortlessly. The constant was the line of 'Unconditional Love' pristine, pure, unscandalised. Natural.

If the sun today stops coming up...the grass won't survive, if the plant stop blooming up today...we won't be anymore...and these all emergent and symbiotic relationships exist in nature...and I am the Nature, ain't I? This was the ultimate state of inter-dependence. It reveals itself probably only after the Dependence and Independence state. It is blissfully simple....and that is what it is- Simple

The person inside me is simple...he smiles more...he doesn't asks that many 'whys' and all....he considers that what he does and what happens to him are two unrelated and mutually exclusive things. He understands now, that whatever a person decides or inflicts on one is not a knee jerk reaction...rather it is an outcome of a conditioning that he/she recieved for their previous part of life. Which, the person inside me knows, he has no way of knowing about. He understands that 'disorder' or whatever that is, is such a normal constant...that any 'mis-happening' was just a manifestation of this fact....and he is OK with the idea.

I couldn't be more happy and relaxed knowing all this...being an agnostic since the time I knew myself, I can think and maybe understand this is what people call 'GOD'...well, maybe, maybe not...I have lost that conviction even :)

And maybe this is it, my real measure of success, my real measure of happiness...now that I so very nicely know that no one around is bad...I can't be more happy. I do not define my 'problems' as anymore being a change in the existing state of affairs ....the yielding point of my constants...No, I don't....then I, also, don't detest being proven wrong...I enjoy it....I fear nothing anymore...coz there is nothing but me out there....if I came from an atom that got generated at the time of big bang...then even you did...even the sun, the moon, the stars...and even this laptop,...electricity...chair...my pillow...those terrorists...my lost friends....everything and everyone spawned from there. I am the everything and everything is me.....I am free of resposibiltiy...and the forced sense of it...without an underlaying baggage of guilt to stringed alongwith it. What could be better?

I reinforced to myself..the only teachings my parents - "Love and Be Harmless" ...and harmless...well I define it as - Doing anything that my conscience allows to. That's it. I am to enjoy myself...the things that I do should make me happy...or there is no point in doing anything....the game isn't to find who I want to be...but it is to know who I already was.

I know, maybe, I have no readers left by now ;)...but I wanted to share this thing....and I, in no way, want to impose any of this epiphany upon anyone...no....maybe even this will pass...like everything does....and mind you it's not one of your optimistic statements, 'everything' means 'everyting' will pass. Only one thing would remain - Unconditional Love

I am living the loveliest phase of life...I am no more 'Lonely' , I am 'alone' now...I am alone...dormant and more with myself than anyone else....I don't say "I don't need noone" I say "I don't 'want' anyone"....the need is still there...coz I can't do this all on my own.

And for this, I am happy....and after this...I know...that I have lost all conviction....And again, for that....I am happy.