Aries: You are known to be bold, fearless, rebellious and pioneering. And this was independently ascertained out by decidedly disregarding the fact that you are planning on putting up a stripshow at the nearby Karoke joint within next 15 days. This New Year will pan out exactly like a Japanese commercial – No one will get squats what is being discussed about and then suddenly a girl with pigtails will end up getting slapped. You will try to act non-chalant after walking through a plate glass window, but honestly, such stuff begins to get recognized after three earlier pretty loud editions. The characteristic downhillness of your love life will drive you an inch closer to Transvestism by the day. And just to break this out to you – Your Zodiac sign is the “Ram” and in tropical astrology, this sign is no longer even aligned with the constellation as a result of the precession of the equinoxes. Bummer.
Taurus: You are known to be patient, practical, serious and solemn. And those are just some fancy words I came up with to avoid putting on paper the phrase – “A Plodding Bore of a Biped.” Taurus marked the point of vernal equinox in the Chalcolithic and the Early Bronze Age (the "Age of Taurus"), from about 4000 BCE to 1700 BCE and that’s perhaps the only interesting sketch attached to your persona. You will be the reason why Deodorant companies will be seen posting record high half-yearly revenue figures. Don’t give in to those new Sauna Slim-Belt offers...they haven’t worked. And they still don’t. And won’t ever. By August 2011 you’ll be 10 times wealthier, have two more cars and about just as gullible as you are now. You will sense that you are slowly reaching the “Self-Actualization” pedestal on the Maslow’s Pyramid of Need but this sudden realisation will turn out be just another muffled sneeze situation.
Gemini: You are known to be restless, versatile, quick-witted and inventive. And extremely credulous because you really thought I meant all this. In about as short time as three months your current boss will find out a despicable truth about your past and your both’s relation would never be the same again. Keeping “Kuwa Ma Doob Jaaongi” as your mobile device ringtone has never helped anyone nor will it help you. And no, that doesn’t mean it as a caller tone will be condoned in civil society. The features of your love-life include texting three people the exact same semi-funny message again and again and wishing for atleast an- “O, please. Stop bugging me.” reply. By September end, an in-depth study by Sociology Today will reveal that Bedbugs are okay, rather, you are the problem. Gemini, as a constellation, points away from the Milky Way. This should clearly tell you where the Universe wants you to be. Take cue. Walk straight. And no, that’s not a pack of Dry Idlis what you’ll get in mail on a certain February morning.
Cancer: You are known to be emotional, thrifty, nostalgic and home-loving. In short, “a sad little poodle of pathetic aggravation.” You will go on a date within next few months. Although, the awkwardness of your mutual incompatibility will be so palpable, the waiter will get both of you different bills without even asking. This March would call for a rational, well-reasoned thinking, be ready for some serious knee-pain attacks. Chances of your next posting being to a city - which brings as much to table on the matter of “Entertainment and Fun” as Mother Teresa would to a discussion of Gun-Shot Mechanisms - run astronomically high. Your unremitting urge to make yourself happy by scribbling inspirational sayings on toilet paper will get nil “Aye”s. August will see you gain even more flab and shed even more grey-matter. And yes, October wants you to think inside the box, whenever that comes by. Follow the instruction. The proverbial box is for people like you, so says the Crystal ball.
Leo: You are known to be regal, commanding, egotistical and gregarious. Which sums up totally why you are such a failure at being the Alpha Male/Female. Although you kindle within that you actually are. Those cherished, albeit momentary, windows of bleaky, blurry achievements which has until now characterised your life, will stop opening all together forever. An embarrassing nickname will resurface by July and would catch on like forest-fire by July end. Curse the Internet and your sob-y personality for this rather expected occurrence. Your “Love-Life” will be a far cry from anything that is associated either with “Love” or “Life.” Although, after September, everything you desire shall be yours, provided you do not under any circumstances read your horoscope. Oh, damnit.
Virgo: You are known to be proper, painstaking, gentle and indiscriminating. Which is just like stating the obvious of the obvious facts. Your pursuit of knowing the limits of the ultimate, immaterial reality and finding an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of their being and experiencing the deepest values and meanings by which people ought to live, will bear bigger fruits than those in the G.M. labs. By the time you ace your weekend Tantric Sex classes, you’ll be getting bigger freelancing offers and higher responsibility at work place in the garb of ultra critical design calculations to be done solely by you. By as early as February, you would have meticulously achieved your set Half-Yearly goal objective landmark. Much has been already told about how the title of “Person of The Universe” is yours for taking. There are high chances that by Mid-Novemeber you will be offered the “taste-ter” profile in Cadbury’s “Bournvita” division. An opportunity many crave for but only few get. Go own the calendar, dearo.
Libra: You are known to be helpful, indecisive, undemanding and peace-loving. And still, no one wants to be with you....sigh. Your act of getting lost in a closet is no more endearing and infact never was. Your porn-addiction keeps you up late into the night which results in sleepy cubicle hours up at the workplace. And by April, you would have realised that the over-head air-duct vent in that washroom enclosure where you head to catch up on your 40 winks when in office is actually a CCTV feedline heading straight up to the Corporate Personnel Office. And this will markedly reflect in your year-end Performance Linked Reward when the management will ask you to. in turn. reward the company. Monetarily speaking. I know, it sounds like a very bad year. But no, wait, 2012 will supersede it handsomely. It must be mentioned that all that attention you get is all nice but once in a while you should zip your pants up while leaving the washroom.
Scorpio: You are known to be powerful, secretive, intense and possessive. And now you know why people dream of you dyeing choking onto food in the solitary confinement of your kitchen. Your love for astronomy will see you purchase a brand new state of the art Celestron - AstroMaster 130EQ 650mm German Equatorial Reflector Telescope. Which you will proudly place on you window panel to peacefully gaze into the nigt sky – an act which will not be taken in goodwill by the people in the opposite building and sooner than you can utter “Wow, Saturn!” some dude in a Khakhi uniform will be holding you up and giving you a pat down search. Your weak-linky love life will metamorphise into being “non-Existent” after this incident. By November, you would have made peace with your inner self and would have pledge to tide over the erstwhile indifferent behaviour of the people around you. This will only result into...wait, you know what, let me just let you find this out yourself whenever it happens.
Sagittarius: You are known to be adventures, outspoken, spontaneous and unpredictable. Which is just what Hippies were and you know what happened to them. Despite your said characteristics you have always been the person who gets missed out when a headcount for free smoothies gets done in cafes. This and much more of such, will principally continue. Your pursuit of understanding Life, the Universe and Everything remains confined to visiting the local planetarium once in six months. And people, by mid-May would begin realizing this and delete your name from their Yahoo Messenger contact list even. Trying to play Frisbee with teeth might sound like a good idea but I must warn you that this is a rookie mistake. Randomness would fire all cylinders when you final get grip on ‘Linear Dynamics’ as a concept. Your outgoing nature will be rewarded by a mud-strewn, half eaten lollipop, a quarter-full DVD-RW with a smearing scratch running acrss its diameter and three cases of pretty painful ligament tear. This is just another way of the Universe thanking you. Maybe.
Capricorn: You are known to be traditional, set in their ways kind, loyal and solemn. Which is basically what all Canines are famous for...err. Yur aversion towards the month – May is top on charts of The Most Empirically Weird Things. And Multiverse will make you like May, particularly, this time round. The most intelligent question you would all of this year would be – “Why does my Wall-Shaving-Mirror with cardboard back-panel smell like cow-dung?” – No marks for guessing why you are known for being excruciatingly dumb. And despite insurmountable amount of odds stacked up against this happening, you will fluidly make yourself steer away from something interesting in the month of December. This would further placate the fact that your life is as meaningless as Winter Olympics. Your romantic pipedreams will eventually drive you towards a tunnel with no light in sight. But wait, there’s this one thing that’ll totally work for you....it’s called – Nothing. And for that to happen you’ll have to wait only uptill mid-February.
Aquarius: You are known to be Unconventional, creative, thought-spring-head and open-minded. Though sadly, no one gives a damn. The month of May will see Jupiter, Venus, Mercury, and Mars all visible within a roughly 6° area of sky. And the only educational tid-bit which you will take back from this experience will be: Never try to stare a minute too long in the tour-guide’s eye...It means something. You might try to ward off disease by wearing garlic speedstick but then again, who hasn’t among all of you (expect for the Virgos) had not had those moments of uber-insane insanity? By the month of September it will run up to become further clear as to why you are always that person who’s the last to get his/her luggage in the Airport’s Baggage Claim section. Your love life will remain as inexplicable as does the whole How-does-the-Bread-converts-to-Toast situation.
Pieces: You are known to be dreamy, unambitious, mystical and vulnerable. In short, the kind of person who is the first one to catch Influenza among the pack. When the known, predicted and projected situation of the IPv4 unallocated address pool getting exhausted kicks in in 2011, you’ll be the among the first ones to take the hit. The stars foresee travel in your future, so get ready to finally put on a pair of decent pants. You might have a gut level instinct to pray in bathrooms, but this must be side-lined as just another loser-person idiosyncrasy. This column has always averred how the crystal ball gets all cranky uptill this point in time, enduring so much just to reach you – a nobody twelfth person – It’s flickering again. Okay, it shows – “you need to download flash player” message now. Man, it must hate you.
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