Lost Conviction

Sometimes, you dig the soil. Hoping you get something out of there, something, maybe, in there....you keep on digging and then a metal sound crashes across...and startels your eardrums.

You find something.

What is it? Some treasure-trove? Some thing of 'value'? Or just pure crap? It's as much a question as 'Go' as a sentence is. Not all one. Though 'why' is something you must mull over.

And here's the background, I felt like hitting something these vacs. If you wish to, let's discuss it further.

It was my third year of studies in NIT Surat. Let's say not just 'studies' but studies + things. And this 'things' thing is way to expansive to be contained in this space. Like bees buzzing around your head. Creeping the hell out of you. making you realise again and again as to how can more things go wrong and collapse in more than the ways they are happening right now. The WHY ME, WHY NOT ME phase. Damn, pretty arsaholic, I tell you.

It is said, that only when you hit a rock bottom, and Coldplay becomes your favorite band, only then, it is, that you demand, from yourself a serious soul searching. And when that begins to happen, you lose conviction...on anything and everything that there can be. Importantly, you feel happy about it.

So, I leave for home, making an vow to myself to never return to this place. Well, I know that sounds way too dramatic but it's kinda just stating a fact.

Upholding the "meet no one, call no one, go nowhere" self-proscribed pact I spent my days and nights, evenings and mornings, afternoons and that crazy time of brunch and lunner....staying put in my lovely six-roomed, river adjacent, open field facing, two storeyed, awesome home in ahmedabad. Yeah, that is the place I love the most. And mind you, I did so.

I went on to be a total existential fool. Used to drink 1 litre of milk daily, have four meals a day, play my guitar, my keyboard, play with my cutey lil doggies, write at length, talk to my ma n pa(and only to them), read more than 40 books...on subjects varying from psychology to philosophy, crime to romance, physics to mathematics, genetics to satire, evolution to engineering, economics to politics...I read two papers a day...read four weekly magazines....I read untill I got into even more reading. And that is when something begun to happen...I kind of felt like meeting a new person..the one inside me. The real me...the real Nijeesh.

There was a pattern that was begining to emerge, the pattern that eventually unified into something...a convergence point...like telling you something...wanting to explain you something....a revelation of sorts which wants to clarify and clear out all that toxic black slush that's been flowing within you...that's gotten into you after ye many years of 'expectations' 'ambition' 'wants' ....and the despair that which follows when none of it is met....that convergence point seemed to have answers to all these things....and the most humbling experience of all was that, even after reading at length about things...and being a total positivist to the core, I still couldn't see what that blury and hazy line was all about.

Now, there was this fluid realisation that I was experiencing... I don't know if I can explain it with words...what I kinda want to say...but lemme try anyway...I kind of chanced upon the so very apparent flaw in the way I went about living my life: I was so dependent.

I was dependent on happiness of people around me...their well being...my happiness was so very much a fuction of a couple of people around me. I was 'attached' to them...I was 'attached' to things and these people so much that once that thing or person ceases to exist I felt something inside me fall and never stop falling. I got over this anomaly pretty effortlessely...the realisation was such that I now no more took or held myself responsible for any sadness that exists around or for that matter...any happiness that exists around. I realised, that I cannot make anybody happy and neither can I make anyone sad....I just don't matter that much,....I just am, one among the other 6bn. Totally inconsequential. And this is kind of good you know...kinda sublimely lovely.

I began losing all convictions...what's good/what's bad, I could no more classify. I didn't know what anymore could be classified as pain or pleasure....what's apparent darkness or light.....start or end....no, I stopped existing. I know, I am coming out to be a total fool out here...but that's one more thing that which to my extend nature baggage that got appened....I no more have any allowance for "What-anyone-would-think" factor. The equation, now has no denominator no numerater...but there was just one constant, that still esixted. And that made me use this thing....and use, I did....effortlessly. The constant was the line of 'Unconditional Love' pristine, pure, unscandalised. Natural.

If the sun today stops coming up...the grass won't survive, if the plant stop blooming up today...we won't be anymore...and these all emergent and symbiotic relationships exist in nature...and I am the Nature, ain't I? This was the ultimate state of inter-dependence. It reveals itself probably only after the Dependence and Independence state. It is blissfully simple....and that is what it is- Simple

The person inside me is simple...he smiles more...he doesn't asks that many 'whys' and all....he considers that what he does and what happens to him are two unrelated and mutually exclusive things. He understands now, that whatever a person decides or inflicts on one is not a knee jerk reaction...rather it is an outcome of a conditioning that he/she recieved for their previous part of life. Which, the person inside me knows, he has no way of knowing about. He understands that 'disorder' or whatever that is, is such a normal constant...that any 'mis-happening' was just a manifestation of this fact....and he is OK with the idea.

I couldn't be more happy and relaxed knowing all this...being an agnostic since the time I knew myself, I can think and maybe understand this is what people call 'GOD'...well, maybe, maybe not...I have lost that conviction even :)

And maybe this is it, my real measure of success, my real measure of happiness...now that I so very nicely know that no one around is bad...I can't be more happy. I do not define my 'problems' as anymore being a change in the existing state of affairs ....the yielding point of my constants...No, I don't....then I, also, don't detest being proven wrong...I enjoy it....I fear nothing anymore...coz there is nothing but me out there....if I came from an atom that got generated at the time of big bang...then even you did...even the sun, the moon, the stars...and even this laptop,...electricity...chair...my pillow...those terrorists...my lost friends....everything and everyone spawned from there. I am the everything and everything is me.....I am free of resposibiltiy...and the forced sense of it...without an underlaying baggage of guilt to stringed alongwith it. What could be better?

I reinforced to myself..the only teachings my parents - "Love and Be Harmless" ...and harmless...well I define it as - Doing anything that my conscience allows to. That's it. I am to enjoy myself...the things that I do should make me happy...or there is no point in doing anything....the game isn't to find who I want to be...but it is to know who I already was.

I know, maybe, I have no readers left by now ;)...but I wanted to share this thing....and I, in no way, want to impose any of this epiphany upon anyone...no....maybe even this will pass...like everything does....and mind you it's not one of your optimistic statements, 'everything' means 'everyting' will pass. Only one thing would remain - Unconditional Love

I am living the loveliest phase of life...I am no more 'Lonely' , I am 'alone' now...I am alone...dormant and more with myself than anyone else....I don't say "I don't need noone" I say "I don't 'want' anyone"....the need is still there...coz I can't do this all on my own.

And for this, I am happy....and after this...I know...that I have lost all conviction....And again, for that....I am happy.

Chicken In H6 Mess

It was just another normal day, or so we thought. But we took a right turn from our block towards the mess and what we saw was unprecedented.

Chicken in H6 mess.

Alright, first a bit of buildup here. As I write this, I am down with a bad flu, i have a huge deadline to meet on RENESA stuff and I am facing a block there too. But still, I am blogging about this seemingly trivial and innocous issue. Yes, it means that much to me.

So where was I? ya, just eneterd the mess. One scene, two sides. One end was having their platonic times with the Paneer thingy. Routine, quotidient, The real scene was on our left.

A huge row of people hoggin on to something. Something familiar, something very appealing, some appetizing, something makes you forget that you are down on health....And why the hell am I even giving it a build up I don't know. Have said already about the chicken extravagnza. And that is what the thing was. Succulent, delicious and more than just food.

We got a speacial plastic coupun to avail our plate. Which unlike the paper slip that the veg guys were getting. Not that I am a huge of fan of dark piss, i took the thump's up anyway. The limited chciken pilicy made it even more of a priced possession. And I am only human.

I took my plate and about five roti's went to sit on a place. But no, a hand tapped me to stop. I look about. A messwale bhaiya was directing me rather to a special assigned for the one with the meat. Oh man, they did some ambience management cources i tell you. The experience was awesome.

Then I sat, mulled over the act. a to where should I begin from. Will it be the one on the right or the one on left? the one right was rather more juicy and fleshy,....but the one on left was bigger in look....and appeling in view....things were getting complicated. perhaps I was putting way too much thought into it. I take a bite eventually. What happend next is pure Nirvana.

It actually melted, giving out a a cry of bliss...audible only to the most attentive ears. The sumptousness of the event can only be explained through the sense of taste...nothing else could do that, so I conformed, succumed, accepted and bent down over....and let it take me.

it was amazing, thought later I got joined by Manish...he perhaps didn't put too much premium on such stuff maybe. He has a life perhaps....anyway...then Mayur and Thomas turns up...I discussed episode 21 of season 4 of HIMYM with Mayur for the 6th time maybe, simultaneoulsy freaking the crap outta thomas...over somethings which may reveal to some guys in about a week from now.

I left the mess a happier person from 20 mins ago, complimented the supervisor and the mess incharge on the way....these guys rock I tell you. And so does H6....and so does the chicken.

I reached my room....and the usual was restored. What happend next...isnt that worth writing about.

So njoy!

Created some wallpapers | Clicking around my hostel | Love this place | A project - Every guy I know will feature here once

Manish Modelled For Me
Vikram Modelled for me.
Akhil Modelled for me
Hitesh Modelled for me

Kshitij Modelled for me

The Pizzascapde - Burp

The day was the 1st of Aug 2009. It just another day with it's share of aloneness, peace and calm. Then suddenly somebody broke the news that it's the first 'Mess Off' of the year. And the butterfly effect started.

Manish comes to my room and express his wish to make it a Pizza Night. Now, if you know what serious hunger pangs are like, you would know that at that particular time, event the sound of a dish makes you weak in the knees. And so it happened, just when you let your guards down things start becoming screwy.

We settled down after deciding that we would go to dominos. But then something came up and we got late. here we should remind ourselves that we live in surat, and it was a Saturday. This is the time when no kitchen in any of the surati home is functional. and each every Tom, Dick , Harry and Jignesh take their fuel guzzling SUVs out and go to a eatery. Where we the lesser mortals have to stand in neverending queues to avail food. Now that it was late, and we were like holding a rat race tournament in our tummies, we decided to go with the Free Home Delivery scheme. And the rollers were set to motion.

Manish started applying his awesome Data Interpretation skills in the pursuit of availing ourselves the best deal. With dominos, the coupon schemes are so ridicules that you actually wonder as to why do they even sell pizza at so high a rate at the first place.

One such scheme was -" A large pizza free on another large pizza"

Just as i listened him speak these lines my tongue went into a self attained salsa trained mode, and i almost never felt my saliva glands having such a huge capacity. And i said the single most most lovely, most beautiful, and faith affirming word in English language - "Yes"

The order - One Large Spicy Chicken + One Large Veggie Extravaganza

The hugeness of the moment was such that i started microblogging about it. The moments just wont seem to pass, I waited engaging myself with a book, then some series, then again a book....the time just won't go by.

Then suddenly, a knock on my door. manish and the Pizza delivery guy stood there. It was almost as if ...no i cant find an equally dramatic and significant metaphor for this. I moicroblogged again.

I washed my hands with my awesome chandrika saboon, put on South Park, and beheld the huge 10" Pizza box in my hand. The scene could be related to lion king ka scene where he holds his son on the edge of the mountain. Magnificent, memorable, muaah!

And then we started. Two slices down, i couldn't believe that this was actually happening to me. oooh man...three slices... hmmm...awesome. Four slizes, alright, wait a min, something just tweaked in the right hand side of my chest...what was that?

Five slices down....burp...burp BURP....the word "mistake" flows out effortlessly from Manish's trap. He stops, asks for water. That's like asking the bull to hit you. I stalled my gaddi too. Assuring myself that i just need a break, you know, and innocuous little break. No friends, in life all that you think it to be, never happens.

I shut down the box....watched South Park.....burp.....tweeted a bit more.....manish was almost dieing in one corner.....i knew even I cudn't make, i wont make it.....may this was it....this is how we are gonna die......hmmm burp....there figures around....pa calling me to come back home.....man making my bed........touzer licking me on face.....me falling off a edge into a tank of water....chaos...more chaos......i was beginng to lose it....i think I have lost....yes i lost that race in 7th sd.....somebody won.......bad....v bad.....why me?....Why Not me?....third year.....bad....no ...i wont make it....i don't know....burp.

Something came over, we got back to our senses, realising what hit us. I summed all my strenght. had a slice more. "THAT DOES IT....No more pizza for a month: says manish "I have acquired a found hatred for anything that begins with a 'P'" I said.

Manish gives up, goes out (still owing me 20/-) I see his 3 slices there, i see my two slices here. Will i throw them? what about those kids about whom i just read in "the Kite Runner"....what about the students of "NIRVANA"...what about all the destitute of the world. The ethical conundrum, the cardinal dilemma....aarghh I cudn't take it any more. I said "Screw it" and threw my pizza to a dog outside my balcony. And threw manishes in a nearby dustbin (seriously, what the hell was that??...even dogs din eat it..lol)

Two mins later, Vikram comes and asks for the leftover pizza. _BEEP_ couldn't he like come a bit earlier _BEEP_

I sit there now, alone....thinking of what i had just done, will be able to look myself in the mirror tomorrow, will this feeling too pass. I din know, I just couldn't know. I feel my right hand side twitch again. Goodness me.

I went to manish's "Dude, gotta go for a walk, or we'll not live to see the morning sun" I say. That lazy bum resists, i pursue him anyway and stroll out. Burp Burp Burp.

We moved round and round the campus, zigzagking every little detour. and never feeling even a tad bit fatigued. After all we had some huge stuff within us.

We come back, and make an unspoken pact "No Pizza for as long as...no Pizza" we drift off in our respective rooms. I remember tweeting again. I sleep

Cut to today, Beep Beep, msg "dude awesome offer on dominos pizza....buy a medium get 50% off on large" incorrigible dumasses...the story will repeat someday i guess.

Burp

Some of Extended Eosure photography i tried my hand at

Hostel - 6 : The Final Abode

AG7, H6, Sardar Bhavan - To mention explicitly, will be where i'll spend my last days on this lovely campus.

It was a downpouring the day we were alloted this hostel. Now to set somethings straight, this isnt one of those 'dream hostels' that exist on campus. I mean what with the leaking, the falling paraphets, and a long history of spooky affairs. And the greatet part is the let down, that students from Nehru Bhavan are made to accomodate this place. On the cover, it looks like been sent from a five star hotel to railway station side 'Hotel Deshent'. Though, to give a first hand account - This Hostle Rocks. Accepted it doesnt have jazzy flooring and in-refelecting CFL lined up, neither does it has...well wait, there isnt any added extra that H( stay had over in terms of infrastructure. Good the post just got smaller.

Anway, so yeah my room here is what philosophy calls as "perfect". It is in proximity to the bathroom but not adjacent to it. It is near to main enterance but not 'on' it (like bora's), it is the groundfloor with no history of ground sagging or snake infiltrations (zoinks!), it has a good amount of white washed walls with no pesky writings on it. This is just awesome.

About the block, well there are some of the most famous dudes of our insti in here. Vijay, manish, Hitesh, Mohit, akhil...the who's who is surrounding me like a pole dancer on ...err...pole? ...Anwway. they all got their signature things going on. And it's fun to a be part of the spectacle.

The bathrooms are ofcourse the shakesspearoan story of devatation, despair and sometimes agony and desperation. They have water coming from orifices not meant to be facilitating a source. The gensis of dripping is the water on the floor above. it is kind of an view, to stand bellow that sepaged ceiling and wonder "how long does it take for the beams to rust within" Now, just like many things in a developing country....yeh bhi chalta hai. People have stopped complainig, restoration is suspended citing the inevitable demolishing of the hostel itself. Despite all this, i love this place.

The morining sun comes directly in my room, and evenings too are calm and serene around. There is sense of solitude all the time, which can be duly avoided when and how you want it to. Thats in a stark contrast to our stay in the railway platform like h9. There, as it so happend, were more people around you than dust particles. Although that setup had its own fans, it kinda got onto my nerves. And the H4 calmness have seemed to return. Ah!...thanks

The food, well its way better than H9 again. The menu is pretty much the same, or i din't give factual accuracy a rat's fart. but ya the quality is definately better. The laundary practise is yet to be experienced.

So, thats it....all in all a very good room, in a good place, in a good hostel, with many people i have been with all along. so yes, i know am gonna njoy this year of peace, tranquility, and calmnes...coupled intrestingly with placemnts, entrances, sems, and peripherals.!!

Time to sleep now!